Broke Brunette Abroad: thoughts

One thing that is not really spoken about enough, is how much self-reflection you do when you are travelling. Even when travelling with friends, you still find a lot of time to reflect on the life you have, yourself and your future. This happens even more so when you go solo travelling; both for better or worse.

Photo by Logan Weaver on Unsplash

Initially, when I thought about writing this post - inspired by one of my friends asking what I've self reflected on, and another who helped me realise one of my biggest changes - I wanted to discuss what it is I've realised about myself, my life, and moving forward. However, following a rocky few days, I realised something big; something more important. And it is this:

I'm a pretty anxious person by nature and this is something I wanted to try and break out of whilst travelling. I found myself frustrated so often that I was getting anxious or overwhelmed about silly things and struggling to live in the moment.

Recently, I was working in a hostel and one of the hosts had the philosophy to 'just breathe' when bad things happened and this really resonated with me. I wanted to build this into my own life, and yes, it did work! But not always, which in turn helped me with the bigger picture of my self-reflections.

Absolutely, when things go wrong, sometimes it is best to just breathe and it sorts itself out. And this helped me in situations where the buses went wrong or plans changed and I tried my best to breathe and calm myself down first to think of solutions, or sometimes things just sorted themselves out.

What was most important for me to realise though, was that actually it is okay to feel anxious, stressed, sad and overwhelmed about things. Travelling is a LOT. You are constantly on the go, things are likely to go wrong in so many instances, plans are always changing, and the reality is it's just never going to be as smooth as you would like. But then we can apply that to everyday life as well.

I was so worried about not being anxious or I was busy beating myself up for getting upset and overwhelmed about things, that I forgot that it is normal to feel those emotions. Although I'm not sure who originally said this idea or where it has come from, I love the concept that it is beautiful that we feel all these emotions. It is a gift to feel joy and love, but it is also a gift to feel upset, overwhelmed, anxious and angry. We get to live this human experience feeling the intensity of a range of emotions. The joy can't come without the bad parts.

So, I've reworked the philsophy, and I'm going to continue to try and do this both in my travels, but also when I'm back in normal life too. I've realised it is all about learning to distinguish between situations where it is okay to feel overwhelmed, upset, anxious or angry and situations where you just need to breathe, reframe your mindset and find solutions and/or the positives.

Sometimes, things go wrong and you can be frustrated at that. But it's important to not sit in that emotion. Take the time have a cry, and then breathe, and move past it or look for solutions.

It's easier said than done, but I'm working on differentiating between anxious gut feelings that keep me safe and that I should trust, and anxious 'gut' feelings where my mind is just working on overdrive. This is when I need to reframe my mindset.

And that comes to the final part of this reflection. That self-reflection isn't a one and done thing. I've realised so many things about myself, but just because I've realised that, doesn't mean I've changed it, that I know how to, or in some cases that I have the strength to. yet. And for those journeys that I've started, they still have a long way to go.

The original post that I mentioned at the start, it will come. Maybe at the end of these adventures. Or, maybe a long time in the future. Self-reflection and change is a long journey, but I'm excited to see how it pans out.

Meg x

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Guilt might not be a word we typically associate when travelling. Sure some of us might get the fleeting feeling of guilt when away from work because our capitalist society has told us that work is a priority, or maybe we feel guilt over a missed event with friends or the money we have spent. Ultimately though, travel and guilt aren't often synonymous, and when they are, we tend to feel even more guilt that we felt that guilt whilst on a fun adventure; a vicious circle.

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As a society, it's important that we speak about these things more and feel open to admit that negative feelings can come alongside amazing adventures and, most importantly, that that's okay and normal!

The reality is that we get ourselves all hyped up for a holiday, and things don't always turn out how we want, or we realised that just because we're lounging on a beach in Santorini, or roaming the streets of Rome, or hiking Macchu Pichu, doesn't mean that the rest of our lives and emotions just disappear.

Travel guilt comes in lots of forms and many of which I have experienced in two weeks already of solo travelling. A backpacking trip certainly lends itself to guilt because you spend so little time in places and are constantly on the go that you hardly let yourself stop, and when you do you feel bad about.

So when do we often experience this guilt and how should we handle it?

Travel Tiredness

Travelling is exhausting. We think because we're not doing our usual 9-5 that we'll feel refreshed abroad but that is so rarely the case, especially on a sightseeing holiday. After two weeks travelling around Italy and clocking in a minimum of 20k steps a day, I am shattered. And on so many nights during those two weeks I have felt tired and like I cannot possibly do anymore sightseeing. You might have booked one of those super cheap 7am Ryanair flights thinking 'this is a great idea, cheap and we get the whole day to explore' only to find that once you get there and you've wandered around for a few hours, all you want is your bed. We did this in Milan but we allowed ourselves a nap and we felt a world of difference later and were actually able to enjoy the rest of our trip. Whilst we initially felt guilty, we definitely dealt with it the right way.

At first you feel bad, but it's so important to actually have rest days. Whether that's taking a bus to find the nearest beach, or even just staying at your accommodation and having a lie in or spending the day just reading and watching TV - that's okay. Yes, you have spent money going there, but you still need to take care of yourself. It's natural to feel tired when you are not only doing a lot, possibly in the heat, but you are also in a new place and that can be overwhelming in itself. No matter the trip, always build in a rest day (or at least half a day). The place you are in will still be there later and you'll probably enjoy it more after a nap.

Beaches are a great place to sleep off that early morning flight.
Gouves, Crete.

Overly Ambitious Plans

We're all guilty of this. Getting excited by all the fantastic sites to see, walks to go on and places to eat at this new destination we've never been to before, only to find when we get there that there is no possible way to squeeze it in. Whether it's due to tiredness, distance, money or things being closed, it is incredibly hard to do everything in one trip. This is especially true if you are backpacking and you thought you could squeeze all of Rome into a day or the Amalfi Coast into two because you are so excited to travel all over Europe. Naturally, things go wrong or it takes longer than we thought it would to get between A and B or it turns out it's too expensive to climb the duomo, see the bell tower and the gallery whilst also enjoying luxurious wines and pasta. It's okay to cut things out of your carefully researched itinerary. You'll find that you actually enjoy a city more when you aren't rushing around following an itinerary to a T, but instead soaking in two or three beautiful sights, eating the local cuisine and relaxing. Sometimes part of travelling is simply the joy of being part of another culture for a moment. If you're lucky you might one day be able to return and tick off more of your list. For now, sit back, relax, and enjoy it.

Money

Travelling is always more expensive than we expect it to be. No matter how carefully you budget, unexpected costs always crop up. Whether it's a wrong bus or delayed flight that now requires a taxi, an inability to find cheap places to eat, or the toursity things cost more than you thought, it's unavoidable. The nature of travelling means we often want to do everything that is there to do because we don't know if we'll ever be able to go back. And of course, you've spent your hard earned money to get there so now you want to make the most of it. But the financial burden can be a lot to bear, especially with the cost of living. It's okay to decide not to go into all the churches because it's cost too much or you miss out on a gallery. So you didn't climb Eiffel Tower or the Leaning Tower of Pisa, it's still an amazing piece of history and culture to witness in front of you. What if you were desperate to see the once in a lifetime views or sunsets that they offer? You don't always need to pay money for that. Find a viewpoint or a hike to go on, or even a nice stretch of grass that looks across to the horizon. You can still enjoy a sunset from the ground, and a city when you're at its level. So many cities offer so many tourist sites for free that you can still experience the culture without spending a cent. Whether you're feeling guilty about how much you have spent, or feeling guilty that you've been tight with cash so missed out, remember that both feelings are valid but as long as you have enjoyed the place you are in, then that is all that matters.

Sightseeing doesn't have to be expensive!
Lake Como, Italy.

Mental Health

One of the hardest things to realise and then accept when you're travelling, is that negative feelings and poor mental health don't just disappear because you're now in an exotic location, seemingly away from your problems. Often, this then means we end up feeling guilty that we can't even enjoy ourselves when we're away because we're still stressed over things or obsessing over something that happened months ago or that our anxiety has gotten worse. As solo travellers will no doubt tell you, it is hard on your emotional wellbeing; you are with your own thoughts almost 24/7 and you have to be prepared to deal with emotions and thoughts you've likely repressed for weeks or months beforehand because they are all going to crop up when suddenly you are less distracted than you were. But this is all about the beauty of travelling too. Don't feel guilty that you are still feeling weighed down and overthinking situations from the past, or you're overly worrying about every little detail. Emotional change from travelling does come, but it takes time. And negativity and the nature of being human doesn't disappear because you crossed an ocean. Process your emotions, sit in them for a moment, and then move on. Go out and enjoy the beautiful sights of the country you are in.

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As a child, I was always a massive Winnie the Pooh fan and as an adult I've truely come to appreciate how poignant and applicable these stories based on toys in Hundred Acre Wood would come to be. But it's Winnie the Pooh's infamous 'How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard' that has been going through my head these last couple of months as I've said my goodbyes.

Goodbyes, anxiety and the stress of so many unknowns that come with travelling have culminated in many nights of the pre-travel wobbles for me. Now, I am a chronic overthinker - to the point where I could probably overthink a situation before it even enters my brain - but I like to think that most backpackers have found themselves in the same situation.

It hits at any point, not just the days before, but randomly, weeks or months before. Sometimes when you're planning the trip, overwhelmed by all the places that you want to visit but physically cannot do, and wondering 'how on earth am I ever going to afford all this?'. Sometimes it's when you're saying goodbye, which alarmingly now as an adult can be months before the trip, often with people that you likely may not have seen for months regardless. And sometimes it comes at night, never more so than the night before...

As I write this, I'm lying in my childhood bedroom for the last time until December. It's not actually that long I'm away for and in fact, if I hadn't quit my job, I'd be heading back to it in a day or two anyway until Christmas. It seems silly now to feel sad and anxious leaving something I had to leave anyway. Especially as someone who moved to the opposite end of the country, I'm trading a six hour train from Southampton for a two hour flight from Italy should I desperately want to go home.

When I first went backpacking I was an inexperienced nineteen-year-old who had never spent more than two weeks away from home. It felt natural to be anxious and scared. Now, I'm twenty-four and I've lived at the opposite end of the country from my parents for five years. Five years in a city I've since fallen out of love with - though I’m not sure that I was ever in love with it to begin with. A city I knew I had to leave for my own happiness.

A decision I made on, quite frankly, a whim, begins now. Somehow, I am more scared than when I was nineteen but maybe that's what age does to us. This is higher stakes. My gap year was a break; youthful fun before the, well, youthful fun of university. Now, I'm supposed to be adulting.

It's scary giving up stability, routine, and even things I sometimes resented like the gym or cleaning after a long day at work but I realise now how much I loved those things too (well, maybe not the cleaning). And I know that I'll appreciate it when I come back to reality, whenever that may be.

Mangwon Dong on Unsplash

I finish this post on a bus from Milan to Matera, officially starting my solo travel having said goodbye to two of my best friends who I spent the first three days with, and I am feeling weirdly emotional - not sad, but not happy either, just overwhelmed.

Don't get me wrong, I am also unbelievably excited and that outweighs all the other emotions nine times out of ten. But as naturally we are as humans - or at least I am - we dwell on the negative emotions more and feel more consumed by them. However, that is part of the travelling experience and I am so excited to break out of the routine of the last five years and focus on the excitement of the adventure!

Meg

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It's a quiet Thursday afternoon - nothing out of the ordinary. I spend the evening scrolling through social media; TikTok a kaleidoscopic collection of 20-somethings off traveling; Instagram a highlight reel of holidays; a girl I met maybe three times at university posting pictures from yet another country as she makes her mark on the world; three of my closest friends: two backpacking in Australia, one in Cyprus where she has moved to. People, some whose lives have barely touched mine, others who mean everything to me, out there doing exactly what I want to be doing. Except they're doing it and I'm the green eyed monster stalking their social media.

Australia, 2017

Then the message comes - another close friend: How much did you spend backpacking in your gap year? What should I do in Australia? I'm quitting my job to travel!

And the seed is planted, fed initially by joy for my friend who is quitting a job she loathes for herself. I wonder to myself, can I do the same? Except I love my job, I have a year to finish the final year of my ECT and I have a life here, even if I hate the city I live in. I try to bury the seed far down, to take away its water. I think I succeed, until it happens again.

Reuninited with another friend, I ask them 'how is work?'

'I'm quitting to travel, Australia!'

Suddenly, the seed has roots - it is not just revived but thriving. I feed it now: TikToks of Au Pairs in Italy, English teachers in Thailand, digital nomads freely travelling the world. I can't destroy it this time. I'm restless, stressed, and frustrated. I've created a life where I am; I have ties; I have a supportive work environment with genuine friends I don't want to leave; I'm attached to the students I teach: the Year 10s I want to see through to their GCSE exams, Year 9s I want to see thrive when they start their GCSEs, a tutor group I know have so much more potential that I have yet to see.

As it turns out, these ties were the exact reason I knew I had to leave now. Those ties to my life are only going to get stronger. The friendships I've made here will only grow stronger. There will always be classes I want to see through to Year 11. A worry that keeps me awake at night sparks: if I don't leave now, will I ever?

So, I did it. After much, much, much research into what I would do to make money without a job (and basically no savings) and many, many conversations with my parents fielding their concerns, I told my Head of Department, my mentor, my tutor, my close friends, and then I took the leap and formally resigned.

Initially, I felt like a weight had been lifted, that the seed was starting to blossom; liberty. Until the panic hit - all-consuming, the seed out of control; wild. How will I earn money? How could I give up a job I love so much? And in a post-pandemic job market. Was I about to cost myself everything I'd spent the last two years building to?

Liberty or loss.

Pros and cons.

It's something we've all considered for many a decision in our lives. Which will outweigh the other? Is the risk worth leaving our safety nets?

No decision we make will ever be that straightforward, especially when it comes to quitting your job to travel. Society tells us when we're in our 20s we should be searching for security, for the job, the house, the partner. That's what I intially felt like I was losing, I just had to remind myself that society has told me that's what I'll lose. In reality, I don't have a house, not even close, and I don't have a partner, not even close. So I sacrifice one loss, my job, for myself. To do what I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember.

I feel free. One door closed but hundreds more opened. That one wild seed has blossomed into a field in front of me.

Australia, 2017

My whole future spread wide before me ready for me to travel. Liberty.

Only you can decide what is the right choice for you, but don't let the fear of crashing and burning force you to kill the seed of following your dreams.

Meg

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